by Nan Reynolds

Sometimes the hardest things we have
to do as parents of adolescents who
are using chemicals are the things we
need to stop doing.
When you are in a relationship with
someone who is operating from an
addiction, there are many opportunities
to be "helpful". These opportunities
are all of the behaviors, attitudes,
and feelings that we have been taught
by our families and by religious ethics
to bestow upon someone we love
who is having a problem. When we
try to alleviate the pain and discomfort
of our children it is deemed to be
kind and loving. This is normal, natural,
automatic – and not at all effective
if the problem is chemical
dependency.
When up against
the power of
addiction, a logic
that is the
reverse of what
we have been
taught must be
used. It holds
that doing less is really doing more.
This logic states that the most loving,
kind, and helpful response to addiction
is to allow pain to happen and to
allow the addicted persons to feel the
discomfort of the consequences of
their behavior. Most of us only wake
up and take a different course of
action when the discomfort increases.
Think of a toothache and how we
postpone the trip to the dentist.
Think of a bad relationship or an
uncomfortable workplace situation;
we take action when it is more painful
to stay than to change.
The conflict that evolves when we
step aside and allow others to have
their pain is that it puts us outside of
our own value system. It seems so
unloving, so unhelpful, so uncaring.
And, so “unparental”. Parents are supposed
to teach, protect, rescue, shield,
and sooth against all adversity.
Anything else can feel like failure. We
do not know, or we lose sight of the
fact, that really effective parenting
promotes independence.
We need to fully recognize that addiction
is powerful. Many of our wellintentioned,
benevolent and responsible
efforts are really like putting out
an oil well fire with a squirt gun. Pain
can be our most powerful ally. Pain
can be a friend. Allowing the pain by
allowing the consequences is truly the
most loving and helpful response to
addiction.
When you are pitted against someone's
addiction (and it is important to
remember that it
is not the person
you are pitted
against, but the
addiction), you
are really in battle
with the person’s
denial, delusion,
and compulsion.
If lecturing and
yelling and rescuing were effective, we
would not have one addict in the
country!
Pain is their alarm clock, their call to
action. Pain is what we have the most
trouble allowing, yet it carries the
greatest hope for change. Pain is not
the worst thing that can happen; it
can be a motivator.
The hardest behavior change for a
parent is to stop taking the situation
personally and to see clearly that the
most effective and loving behavior is
to let the child take full responsibility
for bad behavior. This logic switch is
truly loving, helpful, and respectful. "I
do not detach from you, but I do
detach from the agony of involvement
in your problem."
Our children need us to stop reacting.
They need us to stop taking it personally
when they are acting out of
chemical use. They need us to be
clear, constant, and consistent. They
need us to be on the job, vigilant, and
educated about what's going on. They
need us to stop worrying about being
popular, and they need us to present a
unified front, as parents, with the
"Rules of the Inn." They need us.
Period.
Nan Reynolds, ACSW, MSW, RN, CACII, is
Supervisor - Adolescent Substance Abuse
Program at Oakland Family Services, in
Michigan.
4 NACoA Network • Summer 2003
"Pain is their
alarm clock,
their call to
action."
Comment
Ten Great Things
About Taking
Action
By Stephanie Abbott
1. The sun manages to come up
without your help.
2. Therapy finally kicks in.
3. You can stop apologizing for what
someone else did.
4. Other people can solve their own
problems or not.
5. You really know you didn't cause it.
6. The statute of limitations has
expired on your old mistakes.
7. You let other people be wrong—
even though you could improve
things given the chance.
8. It's okay when other people can see
that you and your life aren't perfect.
9. Worry is no longer a virtue.
10. You find Al-Anon, and it feels good.